April 30, 2015

"I know this will come as a shock to you, Mr. Goldwyn, but in all history, which has held billions and billions of human beings, not a single one ever had a happy ending." Dorothy Parker

Dear Friends,

As I've thought about what caused me to end this diary over the past few weeks, I've come to see it as The Three Enemies. In fact, each one of these was more or less the topic of an abortive attempt to continue this project, but for whatever reason, each defeated my attempt to consider it at length. So, for what it's worth, here are three capsule views of what I meant to say, but couldn't, about my life with Parkinson's Disease.

Fear. Of all the false starts that I generated in the last month or so, it seems to me that they all fell prey to fear. You can certainly see it in the last couple of weeks, and as I say, in the diary entries which I could not finish following those. It is the furthest thing from false modesty when I say that Julie, in her wisdom, has provided the best counsel here as she has told me many times as I have struggled with what it means to have fucking Parkinson's Disease: if I spend all my time being afraid of what unhealthy thing might happen in the future, I will effectively squander the healthy time I have left on earth.

Self-pity. This is a cardinal sin to me, and yet at the same time, the need to express healthy self-pity seems absolutely essential. So what to do? I have been trying to wrap my mind around a quotation from a standard reference work, Parkinson's Disease: A Guide for Patient and Family by Roger C. Duvoisin and Jacob Sage: in discussing the struggles of Parkinson's patients, a physician observed that they were "condemned to voluntary movement." While I understand that no amount of feeling sorry for myself will put an end to this sensation, I am trying to learn acceptance and with it a sort of active forgetting of my situation. Will I succeed in doing so? Maybe, probably not, but what the hell am I going to do -- to keep fighting the recognition of my plight does not seem to be working, so better to stand up and cry, I guess.

Unearned redemption. (See epigraph from the incomparable Dorothy Parker.) And there you have it, the compulsive putting cherry on top of sundae that has been this diary's worst quality, I think. "Will I succeed? Probably not! But you can darn well be sure I'm going to try!" I almost have nothing to add to this, but just this: I posted those prayers last I think because I want one and all to know that as much as I abide in a belief in God's love, I also live in need of his mercy.

But ... You're probably wondering why I called you here, particularly in light of what a Big Fucking Deal I've made of wrapping this diary up with the previous entry. Well, aside from wrestling one last time with the perennial foes outlined above, I wanted to say thank you to each and every person who read these musings -- from those who were with me at the beginning to those who stayed with me every step of the way to those who joined me once we got going or came in toward the end. Thank you so much for caring enough to read what I had to say when I needed to tell someone who would listen. I have the seeds of an idea or two for my next project, but am nowhere near ready to start just yet; when and if I have something to share, I will be sure to let you know. In the meantime, keep an eye on this space for my annual Top Ten Cool Things list which typically drops about Labor Day.

I'd like to close by thanking the person who read each of these entries first and to whom I owe my greatest debt, my one and only Beloved Spousal Unit, Julie. I would say that I don't know what I did to deserve such a loving, beautiful, and yes, wise, partner in life, but I suspect anything I did had little to do with it. And that God's grace had everything.

Thanks again, all! Have a great summer!